About Me

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Ever since I was a very little girl writing is all I ever had to express myself. I am not one to talk to people; never really had anyone there for me at least not anyone who stuck around. What you are reading here is highly personal; more than you'll want to know about me. . .but it is my link to sanity. . .

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Whew......slacking in so many areas...

I apologize to all and mostly to myself.....I have shamelessly neglected my blog for quite a while....HOWEVER.....it is not because I'm stressed, having bad days or am depressed.  Rather the exact opposite.  Life is AMAZING, GREAT, WONDERFUL & I am happier than I have ever imagined a person could be!  

There is ONE area, relationship, that has me saddened & I have no one but myself to blame for that....I need to force myself to take the time to rectify that.  I know, that sounds harsh...as if this person isn't important enough to me...that I have to 'make time'....That is NOT the case.  There have been some hurts...deep wounds...on both our parts.  Hell some of the reasons for my hurt...I can't quite point a finger to!  Some of it has to do with the length of time I have let pass by without explanations.  I now feel kind of silly, disappointed in my self & embarrassed by my lack of fortitude in attempting to repair the broken pieces.  I have to admit...I'm also a bit afraid of truly losing my soul sister because as much as I love, value, treasure, respect & admire her & our relationship......my family (immediate family - Ryan & our kids) will always take precedence.  It has nothing to do with the whole "I have a man now....I don't need my friends" syndrome...It is and has been accepted that Ryan is a 'family man'...always has been...always will be....I have always been a 'family woman'...just never had a family to focus/concentrate on.  I've had my children & I haven't been anywhere near the greatest role model or at times even a decent mother.....I am finally mentally in a place where I can be that.  Well at least a good role model & a good mom...to ALL my boys & even my daughter!  Because I would rather sit at home and be with my family does not mean I love & care about my friends any less....it is just the way I am 'wired'.....I'm just soooo afraid of losing that close bond because it's acceptable for Ryan to be that way...but for some reason it won't be okay for me....because before I had my family....No one could see that side of me.  Contrary to popular belief...I am always here for my friends....call me (even though I hate talking on the phone) - your troubles are worth my time...as are your accomplishments & happy times.  Email me...text me....I'm not good at reading between the lines & knowing when you need help, a shoulder, an ear or even a hug....I may not run out & be by your side physically...but I AM always here for you....I don't always know what to say or do....I suck with that.  I am very uncomfortable when people I care about are hurting or struggling....I don't know what to say or do...I feel awkward....I don't want to pretend I know your exact pain...I don't want to say the wrong words or do the wrong thing & seem insensitive or make matters worse....but I guess my ways now do the same thing....I am sorry!  I love you Sis!  I value you!  I need you!  I want you (not in a female Broke Back Mountain kinda way either)!  I'm sorry for everything!  I'm sorry to do this in this kind of manner.....heck...when I started this blog entry...I didn't even intend for it to take this turn...it just did....and I'm glad it did though, which is why I'm keeping it...not changing it and am going to post it for you....for me...for the world!!!!

Okay...now that I have rambled on....my intent of this was to acknowledge, apologize for & rectify my Blog slacking.....Peace...Love & Happiness to all!!!!

Thursday, May 30, 2013

My Birthdate Traits by Destiny Astrology

Oh my.....some of this (a LOT) hits the nail right on the head!

May 26 the Birthday of The Solicitous Adventurer
Power Thought...“I am willing to discover opportunities for me to change”
Your greatest challenge is…conforming to your own high standards
The way forward is…to understand that if you don’t live what you preach, others will accuse you of hypocrisy, an accusation which will hurt and offend you deeply.

You’re drawn to people born on…September 24 to October 23
You are both strong-willed individuals who need freedom of expression, and this can create an intense and rewarding union.

Luck maker...Ask for things, don’t demand
Creating luck is about having preferences, not addictions. Addictions are things you tell yourself you must have at all costs; a preference is something that you really want but isn’t vital.

On the surface, people born on May 26 appear to be charismatic and popular but deep down they may dream of breaking away. Publicly they uphold convention, being vocal in their promotion of social values and their concern for others. Privately they tend to be a rebel against restrictions of all kinds.

It may seem paradoxical that for people born on this day it is their own talents, which they can use so effectively on behalf of others, that can impede their own search for fulfillment. If their firmly held beliefs and restless drive for new knowledge and experiences are in harmony, they can be startlingly progressive and innovative. But out of harmony they can result in double standards or impulsive, selfish and intolerant behavior.

The dynamism of those born on this day frequently inspires the imagination and admiration of others—but also their intense dislike. The fierce need these people have to express their individuality manifests in a highly visible struggle within themselves that gives them intense charisma, but can also lead them to disreputable, occasionally dangerous, causes and to unworthy people or situations.

Life may be something of a struggle for these complicated but fascinating people but they are unlikely to want it any other way. Part of them feels that conflict is essential for their psychological growth; in some respects they are right, but they should understand that self-knowledge can be gained during times of peace and contentment as well as times of danger. After the age of twenty-six they may focus on having a strong foundation or home and there are opportunities for them to get in touch with their feelings. They need to make the most of these as, contrary to their beliefs, feeling happy and fulfilled is a distinct possibility for them. Once they are able to gain a more profound level of self-knowledge, they have the potential not just to rise to positions of leadership but to impart their strong views through inspiring words and inspirational deeds.

On the dark side...Hypocritical, rebellious, escapist

At your best...Concerned, warmhearted, decent

Love Commitment-shy

People born on May 26 might talk about the joys of marriage and commitment to one partner, but in their private life they may opt for the single life or for skipping from one relationship to another. They are attracted to people who are as free-spirited and as intelligent as they are, but the best person for them would be someone who has the gentleness to help them open up. They hate to show vulnerability, but vulnerability will, ironically, give them greater strength.

Health Sweet tooth

People born on this day are often moving too fast to be struck down by illness but nervous exhaustion is a potential problem if they can’t find a satisfying way to relax and wind down. They may also be prone to injuries to the arms, hands and fingers, and should avoid smoking or passive smoking at all costs. They do have a tendency to overindulge as far as diet is concerned, and need to find ways to satisfy their sweet and savory tooth in healthier ways; for example, fruit instead of chocolate, nuts and seeds instead of salted chips. Vigorous exercise is highly recommended as it will help them work off some of their pent-up energy in a positive, health-boosting and waist-whittling way. Wearing, meditating on or surrounding themselves with the color orange increases feelings of warmth, physical enjoyment and security.

Career Born politicians

People born on this day love to talk about their views and would make excellent politicians, journalists, teachers, sales persons, and performers. They may need to discipline themselves to avoid scattering their energies, but once they are able to concentrate, their quick mind gives them the ability to succeed in whatever career they choose.

Destiny To influence and inspire others with their charisma and persistence.

The life path of people born on this day is to learn to understand themselves better. Once their words are in line with their deeds, their destiny is to influence and inspire others with their charisma and persistence.

May 26
Signs & symbols
Sun sign: Gemini
Ruling planet: Mercury, the communicator
Symbol: The Twins
Birth date ruler: Saturn, the teacher
*Tarot card: Strength (passion)
Favorable numbers: 4,8
Lucky days: Wednesday and Saturday, especially when these days fall on 4 and 8 of the month
Lucky colors: Orange, navy, yellow
Birthstone: Agate

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

The existence of real, everlasting love. . .

Someone I know once said something to the effect of there being different loves in our lives for the different periods of our lives.  But what happens when what you truly desire, long for, yearn for is to find the one love that can last through many periods of your life, growing stronger each and every day?  Does such a love exist?  Can anyone find this love or is it reserved only for those people who some unknown deity finds worthy?  How will we know when we have truly found that love? 
Until very recently, I believed, with my entire being, including my deeply scarred, hardened and blackened soul that such a love did not exist.  At least not for me!  I spent my days feeling semi-sorry for myself.  Beating myself up; reliving many past relationships and ‘loves of my life’. Convincing myself I was undeserving; unworthy of anything so real, so pure, and so amazing!  Trying desperately to recall exactly what I had done so wrong in my life to make Karma repeatedly bitch slap me & skip away laughing.  But now, I get it!  I really finally get it!  I no longer fear growing old alone.  I have found my absolute best friend, the man who completes me and compliments me in every way possible; intellectually, emotionally and yes, even physically.  He makes me laugh; he makes me smile; he has shown me how to be happy not only with myself, but with life in general.  Even when we are not physically together, he is still with me.  I feel his love, his warmth & his presence at all times.  I know what we have is true.  I know what we have is real.  I know what we have will stand the tests of time.  I know what we have will only continue to grow stronger with every second of every day, year after year after year.  I know we were made and caused to cross paths just for each other.  It may have taken us 40 years to find each other, but I am not bitter about the time it took.  I do not look at it as having been cheated out of so many years of happiness with him; after all we have many, many years still ahead of us.  It simply means we were not ready, had not experienced enough in our lives to be ready for or recognize this amazing miracle until now.
I can hear the skepticism and guffaws now.  I hear you saying “I’ve heard this before!”  I hear you saying “You always say ‘but this one is different!’ ”  Oh yes, I hear it all.  But this IS different and this IS real!!!  How can I say this and truly mean it?  Because I just KNOW!!!
In the past, when I have ventured into a new relationship, jumped in with both feet, given wholly of myself, only to be disappointed, hurt, and left more & more bitter with each failed attempt there has always been a few common denominators. 
I always THOUGHT they were ‘the one’’; THOUGHT they were different; THOUGHT … THOUGHT …THOUGHT!!!  This time I KNOW!  There is no doubt, no fear, no hesitation, and no exceptions.
While I gave every relationship everything I had; I went into each one fighting to make it work from day one, already knowing the end was imminent and simply hoping I was wrong.  Or even worse, fighting my feelings out of fear of rejection, fighting my feelings because it was ‘too soon’ or unrealistic, trying to hold back my feelings because what I felt for them was so much stronger than what they felt for me! This time there is no fight, no end in sight, no fears and I know every feeling I have; he shares equally with me!
I spent my time on people who made me feel like I wanted to be a better person.  Like I needed to be a better person because who I was simply wasn’t good enough!  This time, the person I am is more than good enough and together we are both better people, not out of a need or desire to be, we just are!
In the past there were always excuses to be made and flaws to be over looked.  Now, there is nothing I need to make an excuse for.  No flaws in him or what we have.  No I am not blinded by this new beginning, nor am I wearing rose colored glasses. . my vision is flawless, as is he & what we are building.     
I am now a complete believer in love that can make it through all periods of my life!  I believe true, equal partnerships exist.  I believe I am as amazing, beautiful, intelligent, and as funny as he says I am.  I believe in him and his feelings for me.  I believe I am worthy. I believe I am truly one of the very few lucky and blessed people who can say they have found their soul mate, their other half that makes them whole!  I believe in us!!!! I believe in the existence of real, everlasting love!!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Emotional/Mind Struggles

I'm struggling to live paycheck to paycheck!I have a job!!!!
I'm 40 years old & still live in one of my parents houses & don't foresee me ever owning a home of my own.I have a roof over my head!
Twice divorced, single, feeling like I will never find that 'special someone' to share my life & that I should start investing in cats even though I'm a dog person & will die lonely.I don't have to answer to anyone; I have experienced love in my life; I am refusing to settle for less than I deserve.
I am sooo sick of being a fat-ass; can't stand to look at pictures of myself or my own reflection in the mirror.I am obviously not starving!
How I can't manage to find the energy or motivation to lose weight.Forcing myself to get up off the couch, eat right & exercise!  It will help more than my weight loss. . . 
Where my oldest boy is in his life & the struggles he can't seem to over-comeI have been blessed with children who are my entire world
That I only see my Little Man every weekend and feel so shut out of his lifeI have been blessed with children who are my entire world
My health & physical fitness really suck!!I am ALIVE & I can improve my health & fitness
My life has not turned out anywhere near how I had hoped, planned or dreamed it would be. No white picket fence; no happy, loving, whole, family; I have missed out on so much in life & my kids have had to as well. . .  I feel like such a failure.I have had amazing experiences in my life! I have lived in Korea, Iraq, Texas, New Jersey; been to Germany, Ireland, quite a few States; 15+ years in the Military; Been blessed with children who are my world; 
Rude people; people who have lied to get ahead/gain 'admiration' & come out looking like the 'great ones' at my expense - making me look like a lying, coniving, loser. . .who has to continually fight to TRY to prove myself, only to more often than not - LOSE!! I know in my heart, that I have remained honest, true to myself; I have made mistakes,learned from them & owned them!  The people who are an important part of my life, also recognize & know this - forget about changing the thoughts/lies deception of the ones who don't truly matter!
How badly this depression eats me alive; those who don't suffer this disease will never understand it & telling me to 'get over it' only make things worse!!!Finding the stength & will-power to FIGHT this damn disease & 'get over it'!!!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


Living in a cloud of confusion, desperately searching to discover the answers. Do they even exist? Will I ever find them? Will they be what I expect? Will I have made the right choices?

Scenarios swirl around my jumbled mind, each one more disturbing than the last.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Misc Thoughts Of Mine

Paths are chosen; boundaries are laid; lines are drawn.

The paths before us are encased in fog, and behind us; disappear.

Boundaries exist only to entrap rather than protect and the lines can never be completely erased.

Regret is purposeless: the only way to change the past is to redirect your future.

I have yet to discover anything is as I had imagined, hoped, or dreamt it may be.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Morning Glory

The first morning dew

The sun is rising
The fog is lifting

I uncurl myself to accept
All the morning has to offer

The quenching drops of dew
The sun’s warming rays

The Glory of the morning is mine alone
I release my beauty for few to see

Midday is arriving
I have drunk all the dew
The sun’s rays are burning

I must re-curl myself-
I must hide from the world

My day is done
I will return
But only in the
Glory of Morning