Emotional/Mind Struggles

THINGS I FOCUS ON:	THINGS I SHOULD FOCUS ON:
I'm struggling to live paycheck to paycheck!	I have a job!!!!
I'm 40 years old & still live in one of my parents houses & don't foresee me ever owning a home of my own.	I have a roof over my head!
Twice divorced, single, feeling like I will never find that 'special someone' to share my life & that I should start investing in cats even though I'm a dog person & will die lonely.	I don't have to answer to anyone; I have experienced love in my life; I am refusing to settle for less than I deserve.
I am sooo sick of being a fat-ass; can't stand to look at pictures of myself or my own reflection in the mirror.	I am obviously not starving!
How I can't manage to find the energy or motivation to lose weight.	Forcing myself to get up off the couch, eat right & exercise!  It will help more than my weight loss. . .
Where my oldest boy is in his life & the struggles he can't seem to over-come	I have been blessed with children who are my entire world
That I only see my Little Man every weekend and feel so shut out of his life	I have been blessed with children who are my entire world
My health & physical fitness really suck!!	I am ALIVE & I can improve my health & fitness
My life has not turned out anywhere near how I had hoped, planned or dreamed it would be. No white picket fence; no happy, loving, whole, family; I have missed out on so much in life & my kids have had to as well. . .  I feel like such a failure.	I have had amazing experiences in my life! I have lived in Korea, Iraq, Texas, New Jersey; been to Germany, Ireland, quite a few States; 15+ years in the Military; Been blessed with children who are my world;
Rude people; people who have lied to get ahead/gain 'admiration' & come out looking like the 'great ones' at my expense - making me look like a lying, coniving, loser. . .who has to continually fight to TRY to prove myself, only to more often than not - LOSE!!	I know in my heart, that I have remained honest, true to myself; I have made mistakes,learned from them & owned them!  The people who are an important part of my life, also recognize & know this - forget about changing the thoughts/lies deception of the ones who don't truly matter!
How badly this depression eats me alive; those who don't suffer this disease will never understand it & telling me to 'get over it' only make things worse!!!	Finding the stength & will-power to FIGHT this damn disease & 'get over it'!!!!

Confusion?!?!?!

Living in a cloud of confusion, desperately searching to discover the answers. Do they even exist? Will I ever find them? Will they be what I expect? Will I have made the right choices?

Scenarios swirl around my jumbled mind, each one more disturbing than the last.

Misc Thoughts Of Mine

Paths are chosen; boundaries are laid; lines are drawn.

The paths before us are encased in fog, and behind us; disappear.

Boundaries exist only to entrap rather than protect and the lines can never be completely erased.

Regret is purposeless: the only way to change the past is to redirect your future.

I have yet to discover anything is as I had imagined, hoped, or dreamt it may be.

Morning Glory

Ahh…
The first morning dew

The sun is rising
The fog is lifting

I uncurl myself to accept
All the morning has to offer

The quenching drops of dew
The sun’s warming rays

The Glory of the morning is mine alone
I release my beauty for few to see

Midday is arriving
I have drunk all the dew
The sun’s rays are burning

I must re-curl myself-
I must hide from the world

My day is done
I will return
But only in the
Glory of Morning

I am ME

You say you want to know WHO I am
I say I am ME

You ask who is ‘ME’
I say I am a Mother, a Friend, a Lover, a Companion

I am Courageous yet Cowardly
Outspoken yet Shy

I am Thoughtful and Considerate yet Hasty and Bold
I have Goals and Dreams and Desires

What more should you be told

You say that is WHAT you are
I want to know WHO you are

I say WHAT I am makes me WHO I am
And I am ME!

Tick Tock - There Goes My Mind

I’ve heard it said before that a mind is a terrible thing to waste. . .
Stuck in lands far away I’m finding it too simple to misplace

Idle time erodes the mind
Erases pieces of your sanity
Consumed by the thoughts swarming my mind. . .

Wrongs that can never be righted
Rights that should have been followed
Things that should be
Things that could be
Things that never will be

Preparing to re-enter reality
Can my mind handle all there is to face
Only time will tell. . .

Yes only time. . .
Time that has driven me to this madness

A song can say it ALL

I want somebody to share - share the rest of my life
Share my inner-most thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side & give me support
And in return he'll get my support
He will listen to me when I want to speak about the world we live in and life in general
Though my views may be wrong - they may even be perverted
He'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking - in fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all - he will understand me

I want somebody who cares for me passionately - with every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things in a different light
All the things I detest - I will almost like
I don't want to be tied to anyone's strings - I carefull try to avoid those things
But when I'm asleep - I want somebody who will put their arms around me, kiss me tenderly
Though things like this make me sick
In a case like this - I'll get away with it

-Depeche Mode - Somebody

Of course all the "he's" were originally "she's" in the song - but I took the liberty of making that change in order to apply to me. This is the one song that puts everything exactly as it should be.

Quotes to contemplate & inspire

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. -Mahatma Gandhi


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please--Mark Twain


It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.--Aristotle

If everbody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking.--Anonymous


Now and then it is good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy-Anonymous


Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.--Jones


There is no failure except in no longer trying.-Elbert Hubbard


We live in a rainbow of chaos-Paul Cezanne


The best way to predict your future is to create it.-Anonymous


It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.-Herman Melville


Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like no one is watching.-Unknown


You can go out, you can take a ride and when you get out on your own you get all smoothed out inside and it's good to be alone-Face Up 1991


What a fool I used to be-Presto, 1990


I believe in what I see I believe in what I hear I believe that what I'm feeling changes how the world appears-Totem, 1996


We are islands to each other building hopeful bridges on the troubled sea-Entre Nous, 1979


We travel on the road to adventure on a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun like lovers and heros, and the restless part of everyone we're only at home when we're on the run--Dreamline, 1991


The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do-Walter Bagehot


It is never too late to be what you might have been-George Eliot


I had a dream of a winter garden, a midnight rendevous, silver blue and frozen silence, what a fool I was for you-Presto, 1990


Cast in this unlikely role, ill-equipped to act with insufficient tact one must put up barriers to keep oneself intact-Limelight, 1980


All of us get lost in the darkness--Dreamers learn to steer by the stars. All of us do time in the gutter--Dreamers turn to look at the cars-The Pass, 1991


Love is born with solar flares from two magnetic poles. It moves toward a higher plane where two halves make two wholes-The Speed Of Love, 1993


There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.-George Sand


Never look back unless you are planning on going that way.--Anonymous


When one door closes, another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.--Alexander Graham Bell

The windows to my soul 

Where did we go wrong?

Everlasing - Unconditional Love...Does such a love exist?
Will we ever manage to find it if it does?
Will it find us?
Will we be able to recognize it?
Whatever happened to our days of friendship, laughter and fun?
How can we live out the rest of days in this hell we have created?
How do we begin to find ourselves and each other?
I love you dearly and miss you as well as us more than words can express.
I so fear that we may be lost beyond being able to be found.
Please say it isn't so.
Please say you want to help me find all that we have lost. . .
All that we may have never had to begin with.

Goodbye to my husband

I know now I've made promises to you that I just can't keep. It was never my intention to cause you pain. I am devastated by your tears, yet I can no longer hold mine back. I wanted so desperately to be loved - I selfishly stole yours while never really giving you mine.

This lie I'm living is eating me up inside. I fear the consequences I must face for being so cruel. Yet I must let you go. Please know I will always care for you and treasure the moments we've shared. However, it is time for me to set you free.

The hurt will pass, you will go on, you must go on.

Words you'll never hear

It's funny really, in a tragic sort of way, what you do to me.

I like to think I am strong and will be satisifed to love you quietly while remaining simply your friend in order to keep you in my life. Yet, that right there shows you just how weak I am.

These feelings frighten me so. I have been hurt in the past and have vowed never to open myself again, yet there is something about you that makes it impossible for me to keep my heart chained up.

I've tried not to think about what it would be like to make love to you.

To be honest, I don't know if I could handle it.

I want you so badly and so completely - mind,body & soul.

I long to lay under the stars with you, holding each other, oblivious to everything around us.

I could and do get lost in your eyes.

I think I would explode if I ever looked into them and suddenly discovered that you loved me too.

But I don't need you to tell me what a foolish fantasy that is.

You are everything I have ever dreamed about and everything I don't deserve.

Loving a Friend

I have been foolish enough to let you know I care about you,

though not foolish enough to let you know how much.

I am mesmerized by your smile, hypnotized by your eyes, consumed by thoughts of you.

I long to feel your arms wrapped around me - holding me gently, securely - never letting me go. My heart breaks a little more each day, knowing you'll never be mine.

I've surrendered myself to dreams that will never come true.

I don't know how I make it through the days when I can't see you. Just talking with you brings a smile so grand it hurts. But it's a good kind of pain.

I want to know everything about you - your thoughts, your dreams, your aspirations.

I want to be the one you turn to when things aren't right.

I want to be the one to make everything in your life seem worth it.

You deserve so much better than I will ever be.

Yet, I can not deny there's a small part of me that can't help but to think...

I am just what you need.

I wish I had the courage to let you know just how very much I am in love with you and how badly I wish you would love me back.

*sigh*

Misery & lonlieness - I know them well.

These days they seem to be my only true friends.

I embrace both, knowing I deserve nothing more.

Silently crying out for a hope that abandoned me long ago.